Susan Alexander
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  Susan’s Rant – Week of January 1st

Smoke Signals 

I’m sure many people are making New Year’s resolution to stop smoking.  If you smoke, be proud, quit or shut up.  Now smoking is America’s dirty secret and being a porn addict is more acceptable (YEAH!).  We all need to remember that the US government makes lots of money from cigarettes.  Good Americans smoke to lower taxes.

Yes, according to the ‘white man’ I mean the ‘Surgeon General’, smoking will give you cancer.  So does red meat, caffeine and anything that tastes good. I will not live on tofu and fish alone, that was good enough for my Korean ancestors but not for capitalist Americans which I am proud to be.

My mother lived the American dream by smoking two packs of cigarettes a day for over 25 years.  Every morning, before she would even speak to my brother and me, she would have her ‘breakfast of champions’ which included a cigarette and ‘instant’ coffee with two spoons of sugar and cream (powdered).   After my mother stopped smoking a few years ago, she finally told me how she got started smoking:

‘German neighbor (not Nazi but like Japanese never fully trust) she told me to smoke while pregnant with you and Mommy don’t gain weight.  Mommy no gain weight but you kept gaining weight.’

Please note that smoking during pregnancy is not Jenny Craig approved…yet.  My mother smoked so much that she made the ceiling in the living room of our house light brown or what the gays call ‘taupe.’  When my parents moved into a new house my mother learned to smoke outside which only killed the small animals in the backyard. 

Growing up with a smoker made me not want to ever become a smoker but I craved the smell of cigarettes. Some people have certain perfumes that remind them of their mother, mine is ‘Eau de Marlboro Lights’. I like to describe myself as a ‘social smoker’ which means I ‘bum’ cigarettes when I go out drinking or after a night of great sex (or even bad sex).

Recently, I had my first experience with the California attitude towards smoking when I went to smoke outside a bar in San Francisco.

‘Dude, smoking is so bad for you, do you want some weed?’ Haight Asbury homeless teenager said.

‘No thanks. I like my drugs like my men, LEGAL.’ I said.

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