Susan Alexander
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Susan Alexander
  Susan’s Rant – Week of June 1st

When Bums Attack  

Most homeless people are harmless in San Francisco. They are either mentally ill or my ex-boyfriends.

On one particular, lovely evening in a place South of Market street in San Francisco, I acquired a new fan, okay, heckler. The definition of a heckler to me is a person who tries to embarrass or annoy a stand-up comedian who just waited one hour to perform five minutes at an open mic. For most people, this is just an average day at the office.

My loud voice must have awoken my new heckler from his deep slumber in the Laundromat next door.

‘Welcome to Comedy Night at the SOMA Homeless Shelter.” I said.

‘You suck!’ Homeless guy yells, who is wearing a skirt while grabbing his balls walking closer to the stage.

‘Not tonight, sir. I’m not into crazy guys with skirts.’ I said.


What I’m really thinking inside is please don’t let this guy be the real ‘Buffalo Bill’ from Silence of the Lambs, measuring me up for his next female fat suit.

For some reason, it was my night to attract the freaks and pay my dues. The usual types of hecklers I sometimes get are drunken fraternity guys or ‘cougars,’ older women who like younger men and think I will move in on their prey which I am guilty of sometimes. Most hecklers, I quickly give them the attention they want and then I quiet them down with a one-liner.

However, SOME homeless people (because I do have a nice homeless following that I do not want to offend) may have lost their sense of boundaries in society. The one-liners that usually quiet people down just kept this homeless guy coming back for more. I’m very grateful that the host of the open mic escorted my homeless heckler outside.

Part of me wants to blame the full moon or Mercury in Retrograde, but I realized I have only myself to blame. From now on I will not attack the homeless; I will only attack the gays and Jews. They love attention, pain and drama.

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