||Susan’s Rant – Week
of June 1st
When Bums Attack
Most homeless people are harmless in San Francisco.
They are either mentally ill or my ex-boyfriends.
On one particular, lovely evening in a place South of Market street
in San Francisco, I acquired a new fan, okay, heckler. The definition
of a heckler to me is a person who tries to embarrass or annoy a
stand-up comedian who just waited one hour to perform five minutes
at an open mic. For most people, this is just an average day at the
My loud voice must have awoken my new heckler from his deep slumber
in the Laundromat next door.
‘Welcome to Comedy Night at the SOMA Homeless Shelter.” I
‘You suck!’ Homeless guy yells, who is wearing a skirt
while grabbing his balls walking closer to the stage.
‘Not tonight, sir. I’m not into crazy guys with skirts.’ I
What I’m really thinking inside is please don’t let this
guy be the real ‘Buffalo Bill’ from Silence of the Lambs,
measuring me up for his next female fat suit.
For some reason, it was my night to attract the freaks and pay my
dues. The usual types of hecklers I sometimes get are drunken fraternity
guys or ‘cougars,’ older women who like younger men and
think I will move in on their prey which I am guilty of sometimes.
Most hecklers, I quickly give them the attention they want and then
I quiet them down with a one-liner.
However, SOME homeless people (because I do have a nice homeless
following that I do not want to offend) may have lost their sense
of boundaries in society. The one-liners that usually quiet people
down just kept this homeless guy coming back for more. I’m
very grateful that the host of the open mic escorted my homeless
Part of me wants to blame the full moon or Mercury in Retrograde,
but I realized I have only myself to blame. From now on I will not
attack the homeless; I will only attack the gays and Jews. They love
attention, pain and drama.
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