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  Susan’s Rant – Week of July 1st

Faker Baker 

Everyone knows these dangerous women. They are college educated with great jobs but every night they go home and fake it. I don’t mean in the bedroom or former potheads but women who try to pass of their cooking off as edible food.

One of these faker bakers invited me over for a gourmet meal which meant hotdogs on her George Forman grill. Just stop the insanity and order a pizza. Please don’t make me eat your homemade cup cakes if the last time you baked was with your Easy Bake oven twenty years ago. Just buy a sheet cake from Costco for five bucks.

Faker bakers, understand that boyfriends, husbands or married men will not leave you for gay men if you can not cook. However, friends who are invited over for dinner parties and are subjected to food that the homeless shelter rejected, will leave you for gay men. On the positive side, the faker bakers made me realize it may be okay to skip a meal sometimes and that those bulimics have the right idea.

I understand that anyone with a vagina (sorry not including transgender / even though I seem to be attracting quite a few these days) who is in a relationship today is expected to make money, cook, clean, perform striptease, remain a size 8 and not complain.

So to help the faker bakers, I will pass along what I learned from my younger days. I was lucky enough to have an Asian mom who cooked great food most of my life. However, during high school she was working and too tired to cook after work. She discovered an ancient American form of cooking called crockpotin.

For all instant microwave generation, the closest thing to crockpotin would be making rotisserie chicken. The concept is to throw in some meat, vegetables and spices then let it simmer all day long. Even faker bakers can create edible meals with a crockpot. Now to all faker bakers, I urge you to place the crockpot on your wedding registry or birthday wish lists and save your friendships.

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