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Susan Alexander
  Susan’s Rant – July 2006

Skunk Killing  

Summertime is killing season in the suburbs, especially when skunks live under your house.

On a mission to not ruin my friend’s upcoming barbeque season or any reason to drink outside, we took a consensus on how to kill the skunk living under her front step. Many suggestions were flying around when asking the locals on skunk killing methods. The popular suggestion was to feed him anti-freeze since this tastes sweet to the skunk and he’ll die after thinking he had some dessert. The most inventive method was to place arsenic in a Peanut Butter sandwich so that he may die of thirst before the arsenic kills him.

My philosophy on animals is that I have no problem killing them as long as their not cute. I need to keep a few of the cute cats and dogs around just in case I need fake kid substitutes in the future.

Between the anti-freeze and arsenic laced Peanut Butter, the anti-freeze method seemed the most humane. Late one night, my friend puts a dish of arsenic out for the skunk and the waiting begins. The next morning my friend gets in a liberal tree huger mode and begins to feel guilty for possible being a skunk killer. All I was thinking was that if the skunk dies under her house it was still going to stink and still ruin the outdoor drinking season.

To my friend’s relief the skunk didn’t drink the anti-freeze kool-aid and is still burrowing under her front step. I was also slightly relieved since one of my favorite cartoon characters is Pepe Lepu, the charming French skunk. He was always chasing the cat that accidentally spilled a stripe of white paint on her back and Pepe Lepu was instantly in love. Then when he finds out she is really a cat, Pepe Lepu loses interest in the fake skunk. I enjoy seeing tortured love even in animals.

My theory is that my friend’s skunk is a player and has second homes for all his girlfriends in the neighborhood. I told my friend not to be a player hater and let the skunk have his own pied-a-terre under her door step. Long live Pepe Lepu!

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