|Susan’s Rant – July
Summertime is killing season in the suburbs,
especially when skunks live under your house.
On a mission to not ruin my friend’s upcoming barbeque season
or any reason to drink outside, we took a consensus on how to kill the
skunk living under her front step. Many suggestions were flying around
when asking the locals on skunk killing methods. The popular suggestion
was to feed him anti-freeze since this tastes sweet to the skunk and
he’ll die after thinking he had some dessert. The most inventive
method was to place arsenic in a Peanut Butter sandwich so that he may
die of thirst before the arsenic kills him.
My philosophy on animals is that I have no
problem killing them as long as their not cute. I need to keep a few
of the cute cats and dogs around just in case I need fake kid substitutes
in the future.
Between the anti-freeze and arsenic laced Peanut Butter, the anti-freeze
method seemed the most humane. Late one night, my friend puts a dish
of arsenic out for the skunk and the waiting begins. The next morning
my friend gets in a liberal tree huger mode and begins to feel guilty
for possible being a skunk killer. All I was thinking was that if the
skunk dies under her house it was still going to stink and still ruin
the outdoor drinking season.
To my friend’s relief the skunk didn’t drink the anti-freeze
kool-aid and is still burrowing under her front step. I was also slightly
relieved since one of my favorite cartoon characters is Pepe Lepu, the
charming French skunk. He was always chasing the cat that accidentally
spilled a stripe of white paint on her back and Pepe Lepu was instantly
in love. Then when he finds out she is really a cat, Pepe Lepu loses interest
in the fake skunk. I enjoy seeing tortured love even in animals.
My theory is that my friend’s skunk
is a player and has second homes for all his girlfriends in the
neighborhood. I told my friend not to be a player hater and let
the skunk have his own pied-a-terre under her door step. Long live
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