Susan’s Rant – Week
of October 1st
Right off the airplane in Philadelphia coming back from San Francisco, my loving
devoted mother looks at me and greets me.
“Mommy told you, RICE is your ENEMY.
Stay away from rice, rice noodles and Rice-A-Roni.” My mother
said and her boot camp program begins.
Let me set the record straight that rice is not my enemy.
I don’t want to offend rice eaters and I have nothing personal
against rice. In fact, I grew up with rice before rice became trendy.
Instead of bread at dinner, we would have rice. Rice is still pretty
good for about two days but then on the third day my mother would come
up with an ancient Korean recipe to not waste the rice. She would make
fried rice with chopped up fried eggs and Spam/ hotdogs. Rice itself
is not bad for you; it’s just the company it keeps.
I told some of friends that my mother was going to start me on a
long-overdue diet and exercise boot cam and they thought she was
going to starve me.
“Look, a 110 pound, 60 year old Asian woman is
not going to keep me away from food. I will find food or food will find
me.” I said.
Mommy boot camp was quite relaxing and I got to do the
exercises I enjoy like swimming, walking and this new sick cross country/stair
master machine which burns up about one Egg McMuffin. During the boot
camp, the weather was still very warm and I was able to use my mother’s
condo community pool. Basically, it’s me and a couple of senior
citizens. Very much like the movie Cocoon.
For a couple of weeks, I was able to swim and soak up some skin cancer.
One of the Cocoon guys was always there the same time in the afternoon
as I was. So we started chatting. He used to own a gym and was a
personal trainer and still in good shape with a full set of blond
hair. My nickname for him was ‘Jack Lalane.’ Jack was
telling me about his kids, grandkids and lady friend. He seemed like
a very charming guy. Then it got weird. He asked me what is the oldest
age I would date and that age doesn’t matter. Then he told
me he was really good at foreplay and cuddling but the main sex act
would be short.
Okay, that was just too much information. I told him I was flattered
but I don’t date guys that are more than 10 years older/younger
than me. What I really was thinking,
I don’t want to have a dinner date at
4 p.m. and then have to change your adult diapers.
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